Don't judge...

We all judge. Some more, some less; some admit it, while others even deny it to themselves. Sometimes we are right, sometimes we are not, and we misunderstand a situation. Sometimes we apologize afterward, and sometimes we pat ourselves on the back for once again knowing better what the right thing was. In our opinion.

Put your hand on your heart: you too have looked with mild disgust at a child throwing a tantrum in a store and at the helpless parent beside them, shouting/hissing/begging. Meanwhile, in your mind, you congratulated yourself for coming without your own child, because if yours had been there, they certainly would not have behaved like that - right?

It is so easy to condemn someone who does anything differently from how we would do it. Especially nowadays, when on various social media platforms we can hurt, almost anonymously, those we consider ourselves better than.

But unfortunately, when it comes to raising children, we often do not even need anonymity. In fact, we proudly stare at the unfortunate parent whose child is not behaving in a way that suits us. Although we should add that sometimes we are right, and the other person really is handling something badly, on top of disturbing others for no reason. That happens too. And sometimes we suddenly find ourselves on the other side, with people at the neighboring table whispering about what terrible parents we are. We take offense, of course, since they do not even know us, but we do not consider that just the day before, we had been rolling our eyes just as enthusiastically at another family for the very same thing.

We generally do not know the circumstances that led a parent to lose their patience or a child to start screaming in a restaurant. We cannot see into another family’s life, even when it concerns our best friends; at most, we can assume things, which may or may not be true.

How many times has it happened to us too that we said no to something and our child had a meltdown because of it? The people around us may not have understood why we did not buy that wretched chocolate, bag of chips, or hundredth pony the child was begging for, or, worse, screaming for. Wouldn’t it have been easier? Yes, it would. They simply did not see that the child might already have been given something like that somewhere else. Or that their stomach had been upset the night before, so they could not have sweets that day. Or that they were being punished for another similar incident. Or that we simply did not want to buy it, because we cannot say yes to everything. One thing is certain: we do not have to explain ourselves to anyone. Except our child; we can explain to them why things are happening, in the hope that someday, in the distant future, instead of throwing a tantrum, they will start thinking things through and understanding them.

Of course, these are not the only reasons we get upset with others. We comment on the mother who is attractive, and on the mother who is not. The first surely cares about nothing but herself, while the second is so dowdy - her husband must be fed up with her too. We say how wrong it is that someone, because of their job, is always the last to arrive at the nursery, preschool, or school to pick up their child, and then we also say how pathetic someone is who is always the first - does she have no life of her own, does she have to cling to her unfortunate children?

The good thing about judging is that while we are busy with someone else’s life, we do not have to think about our own problems and mistakes. It is more comfortable and reassuring to dwell on other people’s imperfections, which in reality have nothing to do with us, than to face the things we ourselves should change or improve. How good it feels to explain to ourselves and others why their lives turned out so badly, and why this could never happen to us - until it does. We do not despair even then, when we suddenly find ourselves on the other side; we can start berating those who “do not even know us, yet somehow know everything better...” - and the circle closes.

We are not saints, nor do we have to be; we can have an opinion about anyone. But next time we find ourselves in a situation we disagree with or find irritating, instead of rolling our eyes, let us try to think it through and consider whether we might be able to help, even if only by moving on with an encouraging, compassionate smile.